Places I would not want to be this week:

• Any retail store the day after Thanksgiving.

• Any movie theater showing New Moon.

• North Dakota. (I mean, why would I?)

• Any Steelers special teams meeting or practice.

Can you imagine being stuck in a room with Bob Ligashesky right about now? We all know what rolls downhill, and Ligashesky has to be waist deep in it considering the red-cape approach his special teams have taken to kickoff returners lately. The Steelers have allowed four kickoff returns for touchdowns in their last five games, the last two of which can be directly tied to Steelers losses to the Bengals and (cough! cough!) the Chiefs. Which means that if you play on Steelers coverage teams, this is a week to give thanks for mere survival.

The Steelers’ overtime shocker at lowly Kansas City was part of an all-around breakdown in the AFC North this week. The Ravens lost to the Colts, setting the Bengals up nicely to expand their lead in the division. But Cincinnati blew it, allowing the Raiders to score 10 points in the final minute and pull off the upset. And the Browns, God love ’em, wasted four touchdown passes from Brady Quinn by surrendering five to rookie Matthew Stafford, the last of which came with no time on the clock following a pass interference call in the end zone.

Don’t worry, the AFC North teams won’t all suffer a similar collapse this week. They play each other.

Here’s how Athlon Sports stacks the 32 teams through 11 weeks of the NFL season.

1. New Orleans (10-0). Finally, a blowout win for the first time in over a month. That’s what 10-0 teams are supposed to do.

2. Indianapolis (10-0). The Colts’ last four wins have come by a combined 10 points. Not exactly what you expect from a 10-0 team, but there’s something to be said for resiliency.

3. Minnesota (9-1). It’s totally illogical that a guy who had to be coaxed out of retirement is playing the best football of his 40-year-old life. But that’s Brett Favre for you.

4. New England (7-3). Obviously, the Patriots didn’t obsess over the aftermath of “fourth-and-2” the way the rest of us did.

5. Cincinnati (7-3). I’m not saying there’s a connection, but isn’t it funny how the Bengals lost to the Raiders in their first game with Larry Johnson on the roster while the Chiefs, who had defeated the Raiders the week before with L.J. on suspension, upset the Steelers?

6. Dallas (7-3). OK, maybe Tony Romo’s painful back injury explains the stagnant offense Sunday. But that’s two weeks in a row the Cowboys came dang close to getting shut out.

7. San Diego (7-3). We picked the Chargers to win the AFC West with ease. Forget the “with ease” part and it looks like we’re right on the money.

8. Arizona (7-3). If I’m a Cardinals fan, Matt Leinart did nothing Sunday to make me breathe any easier when I think about the possibility of life without Kurt Warner.

9. Pittsburgh (6-4). I’m definitely saying there’s a connection between the Steelers’ 4-1 record with Troy Polamalu and their 2-3 record without him.

10. Philadelphia (6-4). Did Donovan McNabb throw a single pass from a clean pocket against the Bears?

11. Denver (6-4). The clearest sign that it’s starting to unravel in Denver: Brandon Marshall is up to his shenanigans again.

12. Green Bay (6-4). Aaron Rodgers was magnanimous in victory over the 49ers, the team he grew up rooting for that drafted Alex Smith instead of him four years ago. His tongue must be killing him.

13. New York Giants (6-4). If Eli Manning and Mario Manningham are going to make a habit of connecting for 100-yard receiving games, I think we should just combine their names into Elio Manning-Ham.

14. Baltimore (5-5). You can almost hear John Harbaugh crying in the night, “A kicker! A kicker! My kingdom for a kicker!”

15. Atlanta (5-5). And the lament of Mike Smith: “A home game! A home game! My kingdom for a home game!” Coming up, three in a row at the Georgia Dome, where the Falcons are 4-0.

16. Jacksonville (6-4). For David Garrard, that’s two game-winning drives in two weeks — after having all of three in his first 58 starts. Who does he think he is, Joe Montana?

17. Miami (5-5). Get this: Chad Henne is 5-2 as the Dolphins’ starting quarterback. Betcha didn’t see that coming.

18. Tennessee (4-6). Chris Johnson didn’t even have to suit up to stay atop the league rushing charts this week. But what the heck, he ran for 151 yards against Houston anyway.

19. Houston (5-5). Though Kris Brown has been reliable over the years, Gary Kubiak would probably trade his kingdom for a kicker right about now, too.

20. San Francisco (4-6). Get this: Alex Smith is 1-3 as the 49ers’ starting quarterback. I know, you saw that one coming from a mile away.

21. Carolina (4-6). There’s a good football movie out this holiday season. No, it’s not Fantastic Mr. Fox.

22. Chicago (4-6). Jay Cutler isn’t the only thing that’s wrong with the Bears’ offense. Matt Forte is struggling mightily, and the O-line isn’t doing many favors for either of them.

23. New York Jets (4-6). Mark Sanchez went from zero turnovers and a win over New England in Week 2 to five turnovers and a loss in the Week 11 rematch. Aren’t rookies supposed to improve with experience?

24. Kansas City (3-7). My father owned a 1948 Studebaker. On Sunday, Chiefs linebacker Andy Studebaker owned Ben Roethlisberger. And Arrowhead rejoiced.

25. Oakland (3-7). You know you’re a draft bust when … you’re sitting on the bench while your journeyman replacement, Bruce Gradkowski, throws as many TD passes in one game as you did in nine starts. And wins.

26. Seattle (3-7). The Seahawks rushed for four yards against the Vikings. Four! That’s a good average per carry, not per game.

27. Washington (3-7). The Redskins lost by a point when kicker Shaun Suisham, who had been perfect on 12 attempts entering the Dallas game, missed twice. And so it goes for the Redskins.

28. Buffalo (3-7). If Ralph Wilson is so determined to win, why did he let Dick “7-9” Jauron come back in the first place?

29. Detroit (2-8). Who’da-thunk Matthew Stafford and Brady Quinn would combine for nine touchdown passes and produce the best game of the weekend?

30. Tampa Bay (1-9). Did you see where somebody found a couple of Galileo’s fingers in a jar? That’s great news for the Bucs. After all, if an astronomer who died 367 years ago can be reunited with his fingers after all this time, I think the Bucs can find a way to win another game or two.

31. St. Louis (1-9). It’s not often a quarterback switch can be as seamless as the one from Marc Bulger to Kyle Boller. Change two letters in the last name and you’re there.

32. Cleveland (1-9). If not for bad luck …